I could go on and on about how wonderful my man is. I'll spare everyone the long mushy lovey dovey crap (lol), and just give a simple example.
We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, our income is extremely limited. When Darius first came home, I told him how the last time we got married, I never got a real proposal. It was more like he told me, "You're gonna marry me on September 23." And so we did. I told him that if we ever got married again, I felt like I deserved a proposal. And even though I didn't want a big ring, I wanted a wedding set instead of just a band.
So for weeks he stayed on his phone. I asked what he was doing, and he  said that he was on some app doing some kind of something to get some money.  I blew it off and let him do his thing. So when he finally got enough money on this app, he was so excited. So I asked him what he was gonna buy. He told me he was buying a keychain. All I could think was, "You worked that hard for a crummy keychain?" But it's Darius. And Darius is weird sometimes.
Fast forward to today. I am coming out of the bathroom, and there he is, with a ring box. He dropped on one knee and said, "Starla Joyce Jamerson hyphen Tobias, will you please do me the honor of being my wife, again?" Of course, my answer was yes. It wasn't just a simple band. It was a wedding set, just like I asked for. This man literally gives me everything I ask for.
I don't know what he had to do, or how much he made to put this ring on my finger, but what I do know is, that was literally the best proposal I could have ever gotten.

Falling

Do you ever find yourself falling in love with the same person, over and over again. Like the kind of love that makes your heart skip a beat every time they smile. The kind of love that makes you want to crawl up under them and forget that anyone or anything exists except for the two of you. The kind of love that makes you feel like you couldn't possibly love this person anymore than you do right now, and then SURPRISE! Turns out, you can.
Well, I'm there. After my husband and I split up, I seriously questioned  whether or not I could ever love him the way I once did. That made me sad, because at one point, I just knew that God made him just for me. I still loved him, and always would, but I wasn't in love with him anymore. And with the new relationship that I was in, the love wasn't the same. I felt like I would never be in love with anyone the way I was in love with my husband.
My husband and I have had some serious issues in our marriage. By the time we separated, I felt so hopeless. I just knew that our relationship would never be the same. But when we had a chance to really talk, all I could say to him was, "Maybe I let go too soon." His next words shocked me. He said, "No matter what we went through, I never wanted to lose you. I still want you to be my wife." I was amazed. I mean, we had been through some stuff. I had had a whole new relationship. Most men in that situation would have never been able to get over that. But his love for me was bigger than his ego.
Since then, this man has literally given me every single thing I claimed I was lacking in our marriage. I felt like he didn't give the family enough time. He is giving us all his time. I complained that he didn't put much effort into helping me run the house. He is putting a ton of effort into the house now. I wanted more romance. He has become the "Don Juan" of romance. He actually listened to everything I said, and is consciously working at giving me everything I want.
So I find myself falling in love all over again. I catch myself looking at him when he doesn't know, and I get butterflies in my stomach. I hear him slightly snoring when he sleeps, and it's adorable. The way he eats is sexy. Just thinking about him makes my heart swell. And every time I think, "I can not possibly love this man anymore than I do now", every day, I love him just a little bit more. I'm not reminded of why I fell in love with him in the first place. The love I have now is different. It's like a homecoming. I have a greater appreciation for what I lost.
I truly believe that this time, we will be okay. Sometimes you have to lose everything to recognize exactly what you have. I think both of us had to lose each other to be where we are today. I don't know what will happen in the next year or the next eight years, but what I do know, is that in the future, if it goes bad, I will remember exactly how I feel right now, and work my butt off to feel this way again. I know that I'm better with this man than I will ever be without him.

Letting go

I have such a hard time letting go of people that I need to let go of. It's just my nature. A person can show me that they are the worst thing walking the earth, and I will still try to find some good in them and give chance after chance. I don't know why I'm like this. I've gotten better at it than I used to be, but something in me still always wants to see the good in people, even if there's nothing to see.
For instance, take this last relationship I just ended. This person in particular has showed me several times over a 22 year period, that he is not any good for me. When we were younger, he told me straight to my face that he didn't care. Then he walked away and didn't look back. Now that should have been a huge sign to just let that go. But because I'm a sucker for punishment, when he apologized 22 years later, I was so impressed that he recognized my pain, that I forgot all about the hurtful way I was treated. So we started over. And like I said before, at first, it was great. The words, "I didn't represent you right back then", were awesome to hear. He literally said everything that I had been thinking for all these years. It was refreshing. It was sweet. It was straight bulls***.
After several months, the "old" him came out, along with some new manipulation techniques. It was worse than the first time. Yeah he was claiming me and telling me he loved me this time, but with that came a desire to control me. It was as if I had to trade my independence for an "I love you". It was ugly and abusive and sad. I found myself doing things that I have never done for anyone, just to continue to prove my loyalty to him. I knew it was wrong. But true to my nature, I kept telling myself, "it will get better. He's not a bad guy. He apologized. Give him another chance."
"One more chance" turned into several more chances. But it never got better. The more I let him get away with, the more he pushed. Then the sneaking and the lies came in to play. Sneaking off to hooker motels and lying about it. Doing drugs and lying about it. And when I complained, I was the problem. I did things to make him behave the way I did. I was posting statuses on social media that made him "suspicious". I mentioned drinking which made him drink and get high. I didn't hate my ex husband, therefore, I made him feel insecure. I didn't give him enough time to himself, which made him get motel rooms. He even accused me of sleeping with a mutual friend because "Our breath smelled similar". Yes, it was as ridiculous as it sounds. Yes, it was as abusive as it sounds. And yes, I got the heck out of that relationship. I may be slow to move, but I'm not stupid.
After all of that, I still couldn't completely shut him off. There has to be something redeeming there. I thought, "Maybe we can still be friends, and I can help him through his issues." But that didn't work. Then I was the bad guy again, but this time it was because I was back with my ex husband. It was yet again, another regular argument. Me trying to tell him how I feel and what went wrong, and him taking absolutely no responsibility for his actions and blaming me for everything. (That's a manipulation technique. It typically works better for women with low self esteem, though.) This man was using the phone, that is still in my name, to tell anyone who will listen, that I am the worst person ever,and broke his little heart. And then using that same phone to call me, and say that he hopes my ex husband cheats on me, gives me AIDS, and I die.
After all of this, I STILL worried about him. Still wondered if he was okay. Still thought there could be someone in there that just needs someone to care enough to not walk away. That is the definition of self abuse. Knowing there's nothing but pain at the end of the tunnel, but still pushing on through that tunnel anyway.
I've got to let this go. Let go of a person who has told and showed me that I mean nothing. I can't be his friend. He doesn't know how to be a friend. He is literally so self absorbed, that I could throw myself in front of a moving car for him, and I will still be the bad guy for not jumping in front of a bus, instead. Letting go is hard, especially when there is so much history there. Letting go is hard, especially when the feelings you expressed, were purely genuine. It's hard to let go when you just want to see the good in people, no matter what their actions have shown you. And it's hard to let go when every time you look around, there's a reminder of that person.
So today, I'm taking steps. I'm getting this person out of my life. I need peace. I deserve peace. And because of that, this will be my last post about him. It's all out in the open now. I will not answer any more questions about him. I will not answer anymore calls about him. I will not answer anymore posts about him. I will not answer anymore communication attempts from him. I have to pretend he fell off the planet. That is the only way I can truly let go and get my peace.

Story Time

So today, I wanna tell a little story. Once upon a time there was this girl. We'll call her... Jane. Jane dated a guy that we'll call... John.
So Jane and John were together for several months. But from the time they had just started dating. John wanted to know every step Jane made. If Jane got a phone call, John wanted to know who was calling. If jane went to the store, John wanted a picture of the aisle to prove she was at the store. John made Jane get rid of her friends and her family. He used the excuse that he had "trust issues". He even told her how to spend her own money. Jane did everything John wanted, because she figured if he learned to trust her, he would get better.
Well, let me tell you. It most certainly did not get better. If John called Jane and she was eating, he said it sounded like she was having sex. He started missing work because he thought Jane was cheating all day. He started controlling what Jane could put on social media, and when they went out, Jane couldn't speak to any males and could only discuss certain things with females.
Jane felt like she was losing her identity. She felt like a prisoner in her own home. So she decided that she wouldn't live like this anymore. She told John that this was ridiculous and she wasn't going to put up with this treatment anymore. John agreed and everything seemed good for a couple of days.
So one day, John told Jane he needed to go to the emergency room. He was having breathing problems. Jane took him, and there, she learned that John had taken some drugs to get high and had drank a lot of alcohol. But John had taken too many drugs and drank too much. So he was diagnosed with an overdose. After they left the hospital, Jane expressed her concern for John's self destructive behavior. John agreed and said he was done with the drugs and alcohol.
A few days later, John was high again. Instead of going to work, he stole Jane's car twice in one week to go to a "pay by the hour" motel on the seedy part of town. Jane had to go retrieve her vehicle. Then a couple days later, John overdosed again. John kept saying he was sorry, but Jane had had enough. She asked John to leave. Of course, he didn't leave peacefully.
Jane later found out that John had been previously diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, and had been dealing with a drug and alcohol problem for years. Jane felt like she needed some therapy after this volatile relationship. She knew she would never be the same. John, after losing Jane, decided to go to rehab and get better. But he cut Jane completely out of his life. Maybe he was ashamed of his behavior. Or maybe he still felt deep down that Jane drove him to do the things he did because she was untrustworthy.
I tell you this story, because some people will call Jane stupid for not leaving earlier. But I believe God brings people into your life for a reason. Maybe John needed Jane to see that he had a problem. Maybe Jane needed John to show her that she deserves so much better. At the end of the day, if they are both better people, was the relationship so bad?

Foolishness

So today I was thinking about expectations. People expect an explanation about stuff that has nothing to do with them. Folks wanna know why or how my ex husband could take me back after I had a whole relationship with someone else. Besides the fact that I'm me and I'm great, the fact is, he took me back because he loves me. And I make his life better. Just like he makes mine better. We have eight years, two kids, and a lot of love together. So why did we split up in the first place? Well, sometimes you have to lose everything to appreciate it. We had to lose each other for him to be a better husband and for me to be a better wife. No we aren't perfect, but I know for the first time since I met him, that he loves me. Truly loves me all the way down to his soul. And I've always loved him. Despite everything. I never lied to anyone about that. That boy has had my heart since the first day I met him.
The guy I was seeing expects an explanation. So here it is in a nutshell. I didn't leave my husband for him. I left my husband for me. Like I said yesterday, our marriage had gotten to a place where I didn't know if we could fix it. We were still friends, but he was going through something and it made him lose focus. And I was tired. But I digress. I left him for me. I needed better and I deserved better. Dude came through and there was history between us. And at first it was great. The birds were chirping. I'd never heard that before.  But then it got sour. I really don't want to bash him and put his business out there. So let's just say, it went sour. I'm saying all of this to say, I didn't dump dude for my ex husband either. Even though he seems to think that was the case, he knows, deep down that it wasn't.
At the end of the day, I'm happy. My family is back together. My ex husband wants me. He loves me. And I want him. And those who have a problem with that can keep it to themselves.

So it has been a long while since I have written anything. Life happens. But I feel the need to write and get a lot of things off my chest and mind.
First of all, it has taken me a long time to learn to love myself. But I do. I love me and I like me. I'm not perfect, but I'm proud of the woman I am. I'm a good mom and a genuinely nice person. So anyone who feels like I need to change who I am to make them more comfortable, needs to leave my space. Anyone who feels like I need to go back to the person who didn't love me, needs to leave my space. That girl wasn't healthy. This woman is.
I was recently in a situation where someone wanted me to be unhappy to make them happy. It was literally the textbook definition of insecurity. I found myself literally dumbing myself down and putting myself last to put them first. And I was told by someone else yesterday, that sometimes you have to do that to keep a man. Well I say, any man that's not comfortable enough in their own skin to have a confident, self respecting, self sufficient woman, is the one who needs to change and find self love. A man has to be comfortable having a Queen alongside him. Otherwise, he needs to find a servant to walk behind him. Nothing is sexier than someone who is secure. Insecurity is a major turnoff.
I'm also pretty honest. Brutally, in fact. A hard truth is better than a soft lie. So let me tell some truth. I was married to a man who I loved deeply. We had a lot of problems, but we loved each other. Still do, in fact. But at some point, love wasn't enough. I needed more. And someone came into my life promising me all the "more" that I asked for. It was great. It was exciting. So I jumped on it. I got a divorce. I went for my "happily ever after".  And it wasn't what I thought it was. That person was incapable of loving me the way I needed because that person doesn't know how to love. The presentation was beautiful, but the product didn't live up to it. I have no hard feelings about that. I truly believe the intentions were genuine. They were just incapable of delivering what they promised. It happens sometimes.
Throughout all of this, I learned something. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Just because someone offers you a dream, doesn't mean it's not a nightmare. And you shouldn't have to sacrifice your happiness for someone else's happiness. My ex husband never asked me to do that. And through the divorce, and the new relationship, he's been a friend. And when I woke up this morning, he was still here. Knowing what I've been through. Knowing the situation that just occurred. Ready and waiting to start over. Helping me through my tears, but still fighting for his wife. Secure enough to know I needed to work through it. But holding my hand the whole time. And when it was done, he said, "What's done is done. I still love you. Let's start over." If that's not the definition of love, I don't know what is. Sometimes your dream isn't a fairy tale. But it's still a good dream.

My Hot Mess Stalkers

So stalking is illegal in all 50 states.  Well, some of the people I know are not aware of that law apparently because I am stalked all the time. 

First let's get on my ex husband...total stalker.  This dude calls me and tells me he wants to get back together.  Of course he only wants to get back together because I am living with and engaged to someone else.  And as soon as I remind him that I am with someone else, then he starts calling my daughter, telling her he wants to take her to a movie or out to dinner or bring her some money.  And she gets all excited, thinking her dad is going to come and spend time with her and of course he never shows.  So I call him to curse him out about lying to her and you know what this fool says?  You wanna hook up tonight?  Are you freaking serious, you retard?  Needless to say, I told my daughter that sometimes dad's are just a-holes that don't keep their word but it is entirely up to her to decide whether or not she chooses to keep dealing with him or not.  Of course he still shows up every blue moon begging for me to get back with him again, until my boyfriend goes outside and then he runs like the chicken he is.  Hot mess...

Then there is my homegirl's on-again, off-again man that only stalks me when he is on-again with her.  This man is totally crazy.  When they are together, I get 10-20 phone calls a day of him saying the most vulgar stuff.  So I change my number.  What does he do then?  Shows up at my house.  And that is when I call the police.  (Now let me add that when my man is here, he backs way off, but unfortunately my man is on the road till Christmas so I am dealing with him all by myself these days.)   But this stalker is so crazy that when I call the police, he laughs.  Of course he gets ghost when they show up but it doesn't stop him one little bit.  He then starts sending texts while the police are sitting right here.  I think the one that I got last night said something to the effect of, "You stupid white slut b****".  Now what kind of drugs is he on because both of my parents are black which I believe makes me black, too.  Why is he stalking little old me, you might ask?  All because he said that he wanted to sleep with me while my man was gone and I said no.  I ended up having to stop being friends with the girlfriend because he is out of control.  Hot mess...

How about my man's best friend's uncle?  This dude is a total hot mess stalker.  Never met me or seen me, but has the nerve to be stalking me.  He stole my number from his niece's phone and saw my pic on facebook and there you go.  First he started off saying that he wanted to help me and my man while he was gone.  So my response was, "His half of the bills are $900.  I can take that in cash, money order, or cashier's check."  Then this fool tells me he has no job.  So how in the world do you expect to help me?  He claims he wants to help me by "keeping D's (my man) side of the bed warm".  Are you serious?  No effing thank you.  So I tell him I don't cheat and he says, "I don't kiss and tell".  News flash fool, you won't have anything to tell on me because you ain't kissing me at all.  Then here come the pictures to my phone.  Apparently this man has been in some type of fire or accident because he appears to be burned and has one ear.  (No I am not being funny...I am dead serious.)  Of course, everyone needs love but come on now.  Don't send me pictures of yourself after I told you I am in a relationship, especially if you look like that.  Then he asks me if I think he looks good.  Why are you going to make me lie to you?  That's not even a nice thing to do.  But of course I have to be kind so I say, "You aren't bad."  BIG MISTAKE.  Here come 10 calls a day with demands that I come see him and give him some.  It got so bad that I told him to leave me the heck alone and stop demanding things from me because I have a daddy and a man and he is neither one.  He then cursed me out.  So I am thinking it is finally over and he can leave me alone.  Nope.  Still getting those calls every day.  I will be so glad when my man gets home so I can change my number.

Because of all of these stalkers, I just sit in my house with my door shut and locked, constantly hitting ignore on my phone with 911 on speed dial.

Until I have time to discuss some more hot mess, I bid you farewell...