Do you ever find yourself falling in love with the same person, over and over again. Like the kind of love that makes your heart skip a beat every time they smile. The kind of love that makes you want to crawl up under them and forget that anyone or anything exists except for the two of you. The kind of love that makes you feel like you couldn't possibly love this person anymore than you do right now, and then SURPRISE! Turns out, you can.
Well, I'm there. After my husband and I split up, I seriously questioned whether or not I could ever love him the way I once did. That made me sad, because at one point, I just knew that God made him just for me. I still loved him, and always would, but I wasn't in love with him anymore. And with the new relationship that I was in, the love wasn't the same. I felt like I would never be in love with anyone the way I was in love with my husband.
My husband and I have had some serious issues in our marriage. By the time we separated, I felt so hopeless. I just knew that our relationship would never be the same. But when we had a chance to really talk, all I could say to him was, "Maybe I let go too soon." His next words shocked me. He said, "No matter what we went through, I never wanted to lose you. I still want you to be my wife." I was amazed. I mean, we had been through some stuff. I had had a whole new relationship. Most men in that situation would have never been able to get over that. But his love for me was bigger than his ego.
Since then, this man has literally given me every single thing I claimed I was lacking in our marriage. I felt like he didn't give the family enough time. He is giving us all his time. I complained that he didn't put much effort into helping me run the house. He is putting a ton of effort into the house now. I wanted more romance. He has become the "Don Juan" of romance. He actually listened to everything I said, and is consciously working at giving me everything I want.
So I find myself falling in love all over again. I catch myself looking at him when he doesn't know, and I get butterflies in my stomach. I hear him slightly snoring when he sleeps, and it's adorable. The way he eats is sexy. Just thinking about him makes my heart swell. And every time I think, "I can not possibly love this man anymore than I do now", every day, I love him just a little bit more. I'm not reminded of why I fell in love with him in the first place. The love I have now is different. It's like a homecoming. I have a greater appreciation for what I lost.
I truly believe that this time, we will be okay. Sometimes you have to lose everything to recognize exactly what you have. I think both of us had to lose each other to be where we are today. I don't know what will happen in the next year or the next eight years, but what I do know, is that in the future, if it goes bad, I will remember exactly how I feel right now, and work my butt off to feel this way again. I know that I'm better with this man than I will ever be without him.
Wednesday, December 6, 2017
Friday, December 1, 2017
Letting go
I have such a hard time letting go of people that I need to let go of. It's just my nature. A person can show me that they are the worst thing walking the earth, and I will still try to find some good in them and give chance after chance. I don't know why I'm like this. I've gotten better at it than I used to be, but something in me still always wants to see the good in people, even if there's nothing to see.
For instance, take this last relationship I just ended. This person in particular has showed me several times over a 22 year period, that he is not any good for me. When we were younger, he told me straight to my face that he didn't care. Then he walked away and didn't look back. Now that should have been a huge sign to just let that go. But because I'm a sucker for punishment, when he apologized 22 years later, I was so impressed that he recognized my pain, that I forgot all about the hurtful way I was treated. So we started over. And like I said before, at first, it was great. The words, "I didn't represent you right back then", were awesome to hear. He literally said everything that I had been thinking for all these years. It was refreshing. It was sweet. It was straight bulls***.
After several months, the "old" him came out, along with some new manipulation techniques. It was worse than the first time. Yeah he was claiming me and telling me he loved me this time, but with that came a desire to control me. It was as if I had to trade my independence for an "I love you". It was ugly and abusive and sad. I found myself doing things that I have never done for anyone, just to continue to prove my loyalty to him. I knew it was wrong. But true to my nature, I kept telling myself, "it will get better. He's not a bad guy. He apologized. Give him another chance."
"One more chance" turned into several more chances. But it never got better. The more I let him get away with, the more he pushed. Then the sneaking and the lies came in to play. Sneaking off to hooker motels and lying about it. Doing drugs and lying about it. And when I complained, I was the problem. I did things to make him behave the way I did. I was posting statuses on social media that made him "suspicious". I mentioned drinking which made him drink and get high. I didn't hate my ex husband, therefore, I made him feel insecure. I didn't give him enough time to himself, which made him get motel rooms. He even accused me of sleeping with a mutual friend because "Our breath smelled similar". Yes, it was as ridiculous as it sounds. Yes, it was as abusive as it sounds. And yes, I got the heck out of that relationship. I may be slow to move, but I'm not stupid.
After all of that, I still couldn't completely shut him off. There has to be something redeeming there. I thought, "Maybe we can still be friends, and I can help him through his issues." But that didn't work. Then I was the bad guy again, but this time it was because I was back with my ex husband. It was yet again, another regular argument. Me trying to tell him how I feel and what went wrong, and him taking absolutely no responsibility for his actions and blaming me for everything. (That's a manipulation technique. It typically works better for women with low self esteem, though.) This man was using the phone, that is still in my name, to tell anyone who will listen, that I am the worst person ever,and broke his little heart. And then using that same phone to call me, and say that he hopes my ex husband cheats on me, gives me AIDS, and I die.
After all of this, I STILL worried about him. Still wondered if he was okay. Still thought there could be someone in there that just needs someone to care enough to not walk away. That is the definition of self abuse. Knowing there's nothing but pain at the end of the tunnel, but still pushing on through that tunnel anyway.
I've got to let this go. Let go of a person who has told and showed me that I mean nothing. I can't be his friend. He doesn't know how to be a friend. He is literally so self absorbed, that I could throw myself in front of a moving car for him, and I will still be the bad guy for not jumping in front of a bus, instead. Letting go is hard, especially when there is so much history there. Letting go is hard, especially when the feelings you expressed, were purely genuine. It's hard to let go when you just want to see the good in people, no matter what their actions have shown you. And it's hard to let go when every time you look around, there's a reminder of that person.
So today, I'm taking steps. I'm getting this person out of my life. I need peace. I deserve peace. And because of that, this will be my last post about him. It's all out in the open now. I will not answer any more questions about him. I will not answer anymore calls about him. I will not answer anymore posts about him. I will not answer anymore communication attempts from him. I have to pretend he fell off the planet. That is the only way I can truly let go and get my peace.
For instance, take this last relationship I just ended. This person in particular has showed me several times over a 22 year period, that he is not any good for me. When we were younger, he told me straight to my face that he didn't care. Then he walked away and didn't look back. Now that should have been a huge sign to just let that go. But because I'm a sucker for punishment, when he apologized 22 years later, I was so impressed that he recognized my pain, that I forgot all about the hurtful way I was treated. So we started over. And like I said before, at first, it was great. The words, "I didn't represent you right back then", were awesome to hear. He literally said everything that I had been thinking for all these years. It was refreshing. It was sweet. It was straight bulls***.
After several months, the "old" him came out, along with some new manipulation techniques. It was worse than the first time. Yeah he was claiming me and telling me he loved me this time, but with that came a desire to control me. It was as if I had to trade my independence for an "I love you". It was ugly and abusive and sad. I found myself doing things that I have never done for anyone, just to continue to prove my loyalty to him. I knew it was wrong. But true to my nature, I kept telling myself, "it will get better. He's not a bad guy. He apologized. Give him another chance."
"One more chance" turned into several more chances. But it never got better. The more I let him get away with, the more he pushed. Then the sneaking and the lies came in to play. Sneaking off to hooker motels and lying about it. Doing drugs and lying about it. And when I complained, I was the problem. I did things to make him behave the way I did. I was posting statuses on social media that made him "suspicious". I mentioned drinking which made him drink and get high. I didn't hate my ex husband, therefore, I made him feel insecure. I didn't give him enough time to himself, which made him get motel rooms. He even accused me of sleeping with a mutual friend because "Our breath smelled similar". Yes, it was as ridiculous as it sounds. Yes, it was as abusive as it sounds. And yes, I got the heck out of that relationship. I may be slow to move, but I'm not stupid.
After all of that, I still couldn't completely shut him off. There has to be something redeeming there. I thought, "Maybe we can still be friends, and I can help him through his issues." But that didn't work. Then I was the bad guy again, but this time it was because I was back with my ex husband. It was yet again, another regular argument. Me trying to tell him how I feel and what went wrong, and him taking absolutely no responsibility for his actions and blaming me for everything. (That's a manipulation technique. It typically works better for women with low self esteem, though.) This man was using the phone, that is still in my name, to tell anyone who will listen, that I am the worst person ever,and broke his little heart. And then using that same phone to call me, and say that he hopes my ex husband cheats on me, gives me AIDS, and I die.
After all of this, I STILL worried about him. Still wondered if he was okay. Still thought there could be someone in there that just needs someone to care enough to not walk away. That is the definition of self abuse. Knowing there's nothing but pain at the end of the tunnel, but still pushing on through that tunnel anyway.
I've got to let this go. Let go of a person who has told and showed me that I mean nothing. I can't be his friend. He doesn't know how to be a friend. He is literally so self absorbed, that I could throw myself in front of a moving car for him, and I will still be the bad guy for not jumping in front of a bus, instead. Letting go is hard, especially when there is so much history there. Letting go is hard, especially when the feelings you expressed, were purely genuine. It's hard to let go when you just want to see the good in people, no matter what their actions have shown you. And it's hard to let go when every time you look around, there's a reminder of that person.
So today, I'm taking steps. I'm getting this person out of my life. I need peace. I deserve peace. And because of that, this will be my last post about him. It's all out in the open now. I will not answer any more questions about him. I will not answer anymore calls about him. I will not answer anymore posts about him. I will not answer anymore communication attempts from him. I have to pretend he fell off the planet. That is the only way I can truly let go and get my peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)