Letting go

I have such a hard time letting go of people that I need to let go of. It's just my nature. A person can show me that they are the worst thing walking the earth, and I will still try to find some good in them and give chance after chance. I don't know why I'm like this. I've gotten better at it than I used to be, but something in me still always wants to see the good in people, even if there's nothing to see.
For instance, take this last relationship I just ended. This person in particular has showed me several times over a 22 year period, that he is not any good for me. When we were younger, he told me straight to my face that he didn't care. Then he walked away and didn't look back. Now that should have been a huge sign to just let that go. But because I'm a sucker for punishment, when he apologized 22 years later, I was so impressed that he recognized my pain, that I forgot all about the hurtful way I was treated. So we started over. And like I said before, at first, it was great. The words, "I didn't represent you right back then", were awesome to hear. He literally said everything that I had been thinking for all these years. It was refreshing. It was sweet. It was straight bulls***.
After several months, the "old" him came out, along with some new manipulation techniques. It was worse than the first time. Yeah he was claiming me and telling me he loved me this time, but with that came a desire to control me. It was as if I had to trade my independence for an "I love you". It was ugly and abusive and sad. I found myself doing things that I have never done for anyone, just to continue to prove my loyalty to him. I knew it was wrong. But true to my nature, I kept telling myself, "it will get better. He's not a bad guy. He apologized. Give him another chance."
"One more chance" turned into several more chances. But it never got better. The more I let him get away with, the more he pushed. Then the sneaking and the lies came in to play. Sneaking off to hooker motels and lying about it. Doing drugs and lying about it. And when I complained, I was the problem. I did things to make him behave the way I did. I was posting statuses on social media that made him "suspicious". I mentioned drinking which made him drink and get high. I didn't hate my ex husband, therefore, I made him feel insecure. I didn't give him enough time to himself, which made him get motel rooms. He even accused me of sleeping with a mutual friend because "Our breath smelled similar". Yes, it was as ridiculous as it sounds. Yes, it was as abusive as it sounds. And yes, I got the heck out of that relationship. I may be slow to move, but I'm not stupid.
After all of that, I still couldn't completely shut him off. There has to be something redeeming there. I thought, "Maybe we can still be friends, and I can help him through his issues." But that didn't work. Then I was the bad guy again, but this time it was because I was back with my ex husband. It was yet again, another regular argument. Me trying to tell him how I feel and what went wrong, and him taking absolutely no responsibility for his actions and blaming me for everything. (That's a manipulation technique. It typically works better for women with low self esteem, though.) This man was using the phone, that is still in my name, to tell anyone who will listen, that I am the worst person ever,and broke his little heart. And then using that same phone to call me, and say that he hopes my ex husband cheats on me, gives me AIDS, and I die.
After all of this, I STILL worried about him. Still wondered if he was okay. Still thought there could be someone in there that just needs someone to care enough to not walk away. That is the definition of self abuse. Knowing there's nothing but pain at the end of the tunnel, but still pushing on through that tunnel anyway.
I've got to let this go. Let go of a person who has told and showed me that I mean nothing. I can't be his friend. He doesn't know how to be a friend. He is literally so self absorbed, that I could throw myself in front of a moving car for him, and I will still be the bad guy for not jumping in front of a bus, instead. Letting go is hard, especially when there is so much history there. Letting go is hard, especially when the feelings you expressed, were purely genuine. It's hard to let go when you just want to see the good in people, no matter what their actions have shown you. And it's hard to let go when every time you look around, there's a reminder of that person.
So today, I'm taking steps. I'm getting this person out of my life. I need peace. I deserve peace. And because of that, this will be my last post about him. It's all out in the open now. I will not answer any more questions about him. I will not answer anymore calls about him. I will not answer anymore posts about him. I will not answer anymore communication attempts from him. I have to pretend he fell off the planet. That is the only way I can truly let go and get my peace.