So it has been a long while since I have written anything. Life happens. But I feel the need to write and get a lot of things off my chest and mind.
First of all, it has taken me a long time to learn to love myself. But I do. I love me and I like me. I'm not perfect, but I'm proud of the woman I am. I'm a good mom and a genuinely nice person. So anyone who feels like I need to change who I am to make them more comfortable, needs to leave my space. Anyone who feels like I need to go back to the person who didn't love me, needs to leave my space. That girl wasn't healthy. This woman is.
I was recently in a situation where someone wanted me to be unhappy to make them happy. It was literally the textbook definition of insecurity. I found myself literally dumbing myself down and putting myself last to put them first. And I was told by someone else yesterday, that sometimes you have to do that to keep a man. Well I say, any man that's not comfortable enough in their own skin to have a confident, self respecting, self sufficient woman, is the one who needs to change and find self love. A man has to be comfortable having a Queen alongside him. Otherwise, he needs to find a servant to walk behind him. Nothing is sexier than someone who is secure. Insecurity is a major turnoff.
I'm also pretty honest. Brutally, in fact. A hard truth is better than a soft lie. So let me tell some truth. I was married to a man who I loved deeply. We had a lot of problems, but we loved each other. Still do, in fact. But at some point, love wasn't enough. I needed more. And someone came into my life promising me all the "more" that I asked for. It was great. It was exciting. So I jumped on it. I got a divorce. I went for my "happily ever after".  And it wasn't what I thought it was. That person was incapable of loving me the way I needed because that person doesn't know how to love. The presentation was beautiful, but the product didn't live up to it. I have no hard feelings about that. I truly believe the intentions were genuine. They were just incapable of delivering what they promised. It happens sometimes.
Throughout all of this, I learned something. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Just because someone offers you a dream, doesn't mean it's not a nightmare. And you shouldn't have to sacrifice your happiness for someone else's happiness. My ex husband never asked me to do that. And through the divorce, and the new relationship, he's been a friend. And when I woke up this morning, he was still here. Knowing what I've been through. Knowing the situation that just occurred. Ready and waiting to start over. Helping me through my tears, but still fighting for his wife. Secure enough to know I needed to work through it. But holding my hand the whole time. And when it was done, he said, "What's done is done. I still love you. Let's start over." If that's not the definition of love, I don't know what is. Sometimes your dream isn't a fairy tale. But it's still a good dream.